Ladies, gentlemen & whatever Deano is

It's the
Roast of Deano

He's turning thirty. He's still not ready. Sit down — this won't take as long as him getting to the pub.

The defendant appears
Deano
Guilty of turning · the big 3-0
Exhibit One Deano, guest of dishonour The man of the hour. Only three hours late.
The charges, read aloud

Right, gather round, because today we roast Dean —

a man who has never once been ready on time, genuinely believes he's a good dancer, and to this day has not paid a single one of us back from Magaluf.

We've watched you fall UP more stairs than down them, lose an argument with a kebab, and confidently give directions to places you have never been.

And somehow, against all odds and several bouncers' better judgement, you've made it to thirty. We wouldn't change a single ridiculous thing about you.

The evidence, m'lud

Case files

Submitted by the prosecution (your idiot mates).

Exhibit A Fell asleep in the taxi and tried to pay the driver with a Nando's loyalty card.
Exhibit B Still brings up the five-a-side goal from 2014. It was an own goal. We have footage.
Exhibit C "I'll just have the one" — a sentence you have never, not once, meant.
A toast, of sorts
Here's to Deano, thirty at last,
a legend built entirely of past —
the man, the myth, the missing tenner,
the last to leave, the worst offender.
You dance like a fridge falling down stairs,
you owe us money, you tell us you're "nearly there",
you'll fight a kebab and lose with pride —
and still we'd want you along for the ride.
So charge your glass, you daft old fella,
you gorgeous, chaotic, unreliable teller
of tales that never quite add up —
thirty years young. Now sort the cup.
Further evidence

Caught in 4K

Exhibit Two Deano, mid-shenanigan Confidently going the wrong way. As ever.
Exhibit Three Deano, the good dancer He calls this dancing. The jury does not.
And the award goes to…
30

Most likely to
say "one more"

Lifetime achievement in Being Absolutely Useless And Somehow Brilliant Anyway.

Alright, seriously though…
But here's the thing

Underneath all the chaos, the missing tenners and the terrible dancing, you're the one who always shows up. The one who makes the whole group better just by being there, being daft, being you.

Thirty years of you, mate. We'd be genuinely lost without you — and that's not the drink talking. Well. Not entirely.

Love ya really, you absolute weapon — now get the round in.

the lads
Your idiot mates · forever

Made with far too much love (and a bit of spite) for Deano's 30th.